Being a foster parent is not an easy job. You have to deal with the emotional and behavioral issues of children who have been through trauma and abuse. You have to provide them with a safe and loving home, while also respecting their biological family ties. And sometimes, you have to deal with their unrealistic or unreasonable demands for expensive stuff.
That’s what happened to a Reddit user who posted their story on the r/Parenting subreddit. They shared how their 11-year-old foster daughter, who had been with them for six months, asked for over $500 worth of cosmetics for her birthday. The foster parents, who already had three biological children, explained that they couldn’t afford such a lavish gift, and offered to buy her a few items instead. But the foster daughter was not happy with that, and shut down completely. She refused to talk to them, eat with them, or participate in any family activities. She even accused them of not loving her as much as their own kids.
The Reddit post sparked a lot of discussion and sympathy from other foster parents, who shared their own experiences and advice. Some suggested that the foster daughter was testing the boundaries and trying to see if they would reject her or not. Others pointed out that she might have been influenced by social media or peer pressure, and that she needed to learn about budgeting and gratitude. Many agreed that the foster parents should not give in to her demands, but also try to understand where she was coming from and help her cope with her feelings.
The Reddit post also highlighted the challenges and struggles that many foster children and families face in the US, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, there were about 424,000 children in foster care as of September 2019, and about 20,000 of them aged out of the system without finding a permanent home. The pandemic has made the situation worse, as many foster children have lost their support services, such as school, counseling, and visitation. Some have also faced abuse, neglect, or homelessness, as some foster parents have been unable or unwilling to care for them.
To address these issues, the federal government passed the Supporting Foster Youth and Families through the Pandemic Act in December 2020, which provided $400 million in emergency relief for foster care programs. The act also extended the eligibility for foster care services from age 21 to 22, and suspended the penalties for states that failed to meet the federal standards for foster care. However, the act expired on September 30, 2021, and lawmakers have not yet renewed it. Advocates and experts have urged Congress to act quickly, as thousands of foster youth are at risk of losing their lifeline.
What can foster parents do to help their foster children, especially when they ask for expensive stuff? Here are some tips and suggestions from experts and experienced foster parents:
– Set clear and consistent rules and expectations. Foster parents should clearly and calmly communicate their rules and expectations, enforcing them consistently and fairly. Foster children require structure, stability, and understanding of what is acceptable. Explaining the reasons behind rules and expectations, and how they benefit the foster child and family, is also important.
– Be empathetic and compassionate. Foster children may act out or make unreasonable demands as a way of coping or expressing their emotions. They often have a history of trauma and abuse, leading to attachment issues, low self-esteem, or trust issues. Foster parents should strive to understand their perspective and feelings, validating them, showing love and care, and reassuring them of their safety and value.
– Teach them life skills and values. They may not have learned the basic life skills and values that most children take for granted, such as budgeting, saving, spending, sharing, giving, and gratitude. Foster parents should teach them these skills and values, and model them in their own behavior. They should also involve them in household chores and decisions, and give them opportunities to earn money or rewards for their work and achievements.
– Help them find their passion and purpose. Foster children may not have had the chance to explore their interests and talents, or to pursue their dreams and goals. Foster parents should help them find their passion and purpose, and support them in their endeavors. They should also expose them to different experiences and opportunities, and encourage them to learn new things and meet new people.
– Seek professional help if needed. Foster parents should not hesitate to seek help from therapists, counselors, social workers, or other experts who can provide them with guidance and resources. Foster children may have mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, or ADHD, that require professional help. They should also join support groups or networks of other foster parents who can offer them advice and emotional support.
Being a foster parent is not an easy job, but it can also be a rewarding and fulfilling one. By following these tips and suggestions, foster parents can help their foster children overcome their challenges and thrive in their new family.
