John Oliver's Million-Dollar Bribe to Clarence Thomas: A Satirical Supreme Offer

In a world where late-night comedy and Supreme Court drama collide, John Oliver has crafted an offer that’s as grandiose as it is hilarious. The British-born comedian, known for his sharp wit and progressive punchlines, has extended a “generous” proposal to none other than Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. The deal? A cool $1 million a year and a $2 million tour bus, but only if Thomas agrees to resign from the highest court in the land.

“John Oliver crop” by John Oliver.jpg: Maryanne Ventrice derivative work: Jacoplane is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Oliver’s offer, which he made on his HBO show Last Week Tonight, comes with a 30-day expiration date. It’s a response to a series of media investigations that have raised eyebrows about Thomas’s impartiality. These reports have highlighted that Thomas has enjoyed a slew of perks from political benefactors, including lavish vacation travel and real estate for his mother, without the required disclosures.

The stakes are high, and the timing is critical. Thomas has been at the center of several contentious rulings, including the one that overturned federal abortion rights established by Roe v. Wade. He’s also been involved in cases concerning the January 6 Capitol attack, despite calls for his recusal due to his wife’s political activism.

Oliver, seizing the moment, quipped, “Lot on your plate right now, from stripping away women’s rights to hearing January 6 cases … and you deserve a break, you know, away from the meanness of Washington.” He then painted a picture of a serene retirement for Thomas, complete with a king-sized bed, a fireplace, and not one, but four televisions in the tour bus.

The host didn’t miss the chance to poke fun at Thomas’s connections, including a nod to one of his benefactors’ questionable collections. “That’s the beauty of friendship, Clarence. If they’re real friends, they’ll love you no matter what your job is,” Oliver said, adding a layer of irony thick enough to cut with a knife.

Oliver’s satirical offer is a commentary on the current state of the Supreme Court, where justices earn $298,500 annually for life. It’s a jab at the perceived corruption and the cozy relationship between some justices and wealthy benefactors. Justice Samuel Alito, for example, has also been under scrutiny for accepting luxury vacations and expensive wines, which he reportedly failed to disclose.

Thomas, who has served on the Supreme Court since 1991, is no stranger to controversy. His confirmation was marred by Anita Hill’s allegations of sexual harassment, and his tenure has been punctuated by his conservative rulings and the recent scrutiny over his wife’s political activities.

Oliver’s “somehow legal” offer is a bold move, one that he acknowledges could lead him to “standup tours … for years” to afford Thomas’s retirement. Yet, it’s a move that fits perfectly into the irreverent and critical style of Last Week Tonight.