Life is a journey filled with unexpected twists and turns, often leading us into social situations that require deft navigation through awkwardness and misunderstanding. Picture this: you’re at a mingling event, the atmosphere is buzzing with chatter, and you’re engaging in what seems to be a pleasant conversation. Suddenly, the person you’re speaking with asks if you have Asperger’s. You’re taken aback, and when you inquire why they would say that, they become defensive. It’s a delicate moment that many might not know how to handle, but it’s also a moment that can open up a dialogue about the complexities of social interactions, especially when Asperger’s or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is involved.
The Importance of Understanding ASD in Relationships
As a couples counselor and author with extensive experience working with couples where one or both partners have a diagnosis or suspected diagnosis of Asperger’s or ASD, I’ve seen firsthand how certain ASD traits can challenge a relationship. Yet, when the Asperger’s partner focuses on improving these traits, the relationship can often recover from crises or even the brink of divorce.
Many of my clients have found an 8-point list particularly useful in modifying behaviors to foster happier and healthier relationships. While these behaviors are primarily meant for the ASD partner, they can sometimes apply to the non-spectrum or neurotypical partner (NT) as well. I’ve used inclusive pronouns to ensure that individuals of all genders feel represented.
Let’s delve into these points and explore how they can help in not just romantic relationships, but also in everyday social interactions like the one at the mingling event.
1. Don’t Be Defensive — Admit You’re Wrong
Asperger’s is often characterized by a high IQ and strong logical thinking. This can lead individuals on the spectrum to believe they are always right. However, in a marriage or any relationship, this trait can be counterproductive. It’s crucial for the ASD partner to avoid defensiveness and take responsibility instead. When your partner points out something you need to improve on, it’s important to pause and reflect rather than respond defensively. Use listening skills, such as the mirroring technique, and be open to admitting when your perception may not be accurate.
2. Give Up Control: Would You Rather Be Married Than Right?
Rigidity and inflexible thinking are other traits that can be challenging. Trusting and practicing flexibility, as well as seeing your partner’s point of view, are essential. It’s about putting aside ego and remembering that most issues aren’t worth jeopardizing the relationship over.
3. Avoid Resentment
Holding onto every disagreement can lead to a lifetime of resentment. It’s important to let go of daily aggravations and not catalog them. Think of it as ‘taking out the garbage’ from your mind daily, and if you can’t let go of an issue, set a time to discuss it constructively.
4. Listen More, Talk Less
ASD individuals can sometimes dominate conversations, especially when anxious. It’s important to practice active listening, focus on your partner, and ask more questions rather than always voicing your thoughts.
5. Control Emotions
Many on the spectrum have trouble regulating emotions. Grounding exercises, anxiety check-ins, and mindful meditation can be helpful tools in managing emotional responses.
6. Practice Self-Awareness
Investing in self-awareness is key. Understanding your triggers and planning ahead can help avoid meltdowns and aggressive behaviors. Regular self-reflection on your behavior, feelings, thoughts, and the impact you have on others is crucial.
7. Trust Your Partner
Avoiding mental rigidity and considering your partner’s perspective and motivation can improve trust and communication. Don’t be quick to say ‘no’ and consider saying ‘yes’ more often.
8. Work Can’t Be an Excuse
While work can be rewarding, it shouldn’t become an obsession that excludes your partner. Remember, your partner should be a priority, and work-life balance is important.
In my work with hundreds of neurodiverse couples, those who apply themselves daily to working on the above behaviors are the ones that create happy, long-term relationships. It’s a daily practice that requires commitment and a willingness to improve oneself. As a wise friend once told me, ‘Eva, if we’re not improving, we’re regressing!’
Addressing Social Interactions and Misunderstandings
Back to that mingling event. When someone asks if you have Asperger’s, it could be a reflection of their own lack of understanding or discomfort with social nuances. It’s an opportunity to educate and to practice patience and empathy. Remember, it’s not about being right or wrong, but about understanding each other and growing from every interaction.
Whether in a romantic partnership or a casual conversation, the principles of not being defensive, giving up control, avoiding resentment, listening more, controlling emotions, practicing self-awareness, trusting your partner, and not letting work be an excuse can lead to more fulfilling and harmonious relationships. So, the next time you find yourself in a social setting, consider these points. They just might make the difference between a defensive standoff and a meaningful connection.
Related posts:
8 Behaviors to Work on in My Asperger Marriage
An Insiders Point of View
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