The Art of Saying Just Enough: Mastering the Poke Technique

Maybe you’ve listened as someone rambled on and wished they would just get to the point.If you’re nodding along to this, then you’re not alone. Overexplaining is a common habit that many of us fall into, often without even realizing it. But why do we do it, and more importantly, how can we stop?

The truth is, overexplaining can be more than just a conversational faux pas; it can be downright destructive to our personal and professional impressions. When we overexplain, we may inadvertently come across as nervous, unaware, condescending, or lacking in confidence. It’s a behavior that can make us appear weak, and nobody wants that, right?

“Brief” by Brett Jordan is licensed under CC BY 2.0

I remember the days when I would feel a mix of embarrassment and guilt after realizing I had talked too much. It was like giving away my power in a conversation, leaving me feeling exposed and, frankly, a bit foolish. But then, as if a light bulb went off in my head, I stumbled upon a realization, a technique that would change the way I communicated forever. I call it the Poke Technique, and it’s as simple as it is effective, both in professional and non-professional settings.

Let’s dive into the non-professional side of things first. Imagine you’re asked, ‘How is your day going?’ by a friend. The old you might launch into a detailed account of every event, but with the Poke Technique, you give just enough to pique interest without overwhelming. For example, you might say, ‘Oh, I went out with some friends.’ This ambiguous response opens the door for the other person to ask for more details if they’re genuinely interested. They might respond with a simple acknowledgment, or they might probe further, asking where you went and who you were with. Either way, you’ve maintained control of the conversation without overstepping.

What about professional settings? Here, the stakes can be even higher. Overexplaining in the workplace can lead to suspicion from bosses or annoyance from colleagues. It’s crucial to strike the right balance between being informative and being concise. The Poke Technique can help here too. When asked about a project or task, provide a clear and succinct summary. If more information is needed, your colleagues will ask for it. This approach not only keeps you from rambling but also demonstrates your ability to communicate effectively and with confidence.

‘What if I’m just a naturally chatty person?’ or ‘What if my overexplaining is linked to deeper issues, like trauma or a need to be understood?’ These are valid concerns. Overexplaining can be a deeply ingrained habit, often rooted in childhood experiences or defense mechanisms developed over time. For some, it’s a response to feeling unheard or misunderstood. For others, it might be a way to avoid conflict or to ensure they’re not blamed for something. Recognizing why you overexplain is the first step toward change.

If you find yourself overexplaining due to anxiety or a fear of not being believed, it’s important to practice self-awareness. When someone close to you points out that you’re doing it, take a moment to check in with yourself. Ask yourself questions like, ‘Am I anxious?’ or ‘Am I worried about being misunderstood?’ This can help you understand the underlying feelings driving your behavior.

The next step is to become comfortable with the discomfort. If you overexplain because you fear not being believed, try sitting with that feeling. What comes up for you? Addressing these inner feelings is key to overcoming the urge to overexplain. Similarly, if social anxiety drives you to fill every silence with words, practice being okay with quiet moments. Desensitizing yourself to these triggers can help reduce the need to overexplain over time.

For those whose overexplaining is linked to neurodivergence, such as autism or ADHD, the journey might look a bit different. Embracing who you are and finding comfort in your communication style is crucial. It’s okay to let others know about your tendencies and to ask for their understanding. The goal is to find a balance that works for you and those you communicate with.

Supporting a loved one who overexplains can be a delicate matter. It’s important to convey understanding and belief in what they’re saying. Simple affirmations like ‘I understand what you’re saying’ or ‘I believe you’ can go a long way in helping them feel heard, which in turn can reduce their need to overexplain.

Communication is an art, and like any art, it takes practice to master. The Poke Technique is just one tool in the vast toolbox of effective communication. It’s about saying just enough to engage, inform, and connect, without overwhelming or diminishing your presence in the conversation. So the next time you find yourself on the verge of overexplaining, remember to poke, not prod. It’s a subtle shift that can make a world of difference in how you’re perceived and how you perceive yourself.

“communication” by Wesley Fryer is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

Moving on to the second part of our journey, let’s delve into the Poke Technique, a strategic approach to communication that can revolutionize the way we interact with others. This technique is not just about being less verbose; it’s about being more impactful with fewer words. It’s about the art of saying just enough to engage and intrigue, leaving your audience wanting more. So, how do we master this technique?

It’s essential to understand the context in which you’re communicating.

In non-professional settings, such as casual conversations with friends or family, the Poke Technique can be a game-changer. Instead of launching into a long-winded explanation about your day, a simple, ‘I had an interesting encounter at the coffee shop,’ can suffice. This statement is a ‘poke’—it’s vague enough to spark curiosity but doesn’t give away the whole story. If the person you’re talking to is genuinely interested, they’ll take the bait and ask for more details. If not, you’ve saved yourself from oversharing and potentially boring your listener.

In professional settings, the stakes are higher, and the Poke Technique becomes even more critical.

When you’re in a meeting or discussing a project, resist the urge to provide an exhaustive explanation. Instead, offer a concise summary, such as, ‘The project is on track, and we’ve had some promising developments.’ This approach shows that you respect your colleagues’ time and that you can communicate efficiently. If they need more information, they’ll ask, and you can provide additional details as necessary.

It’s important to recognize that the Poke Technique isn’t about changing who you are; it’s about enhancing how you communicate. For those who are naturally verbose, it’s a matter of practicing restraint and being mindful of the listener’s engagement. For those dealing with trauma or a need for validation, it’s about finding a balance between expressing yourself and respecting the conversational dynamic.

If you find yourself overexplaining due to anxiety or a fear of not being believed, it’s crucial to practice self-awareness. When you catch yourself overexplaining, pause and ask yourself why you feel the need to do so. Are you anxious? Are you worried about being misunderstood? Reflecting on these questions can help you understand the emotions driving your behavior and can be the first step toward change.

Becoming comfortable with discomfort is another key aspect of mastering the Poke Technique.

If you overexplain because you fear not being believed, try to sit with that feeling without immediately trying to resolve it through overexplanation. What emotions arise? Addressing these inner feelings is essential to overcoming the urge to overexplain. Similarly, if social anxiety drives you to fill every silence with words, practice being comfortable with quiet moments. Desensitizing yourself to these triggers can help reduce the need to overexplain over time.

For those whose overexplaining is linked to neurodivergence, such as autism or ADHD, the journey might look different. Embracing who you are and finding comfort in your communication style is crucial. It’s okay to let others know about your tendencies and to ask for their understanding. The goal is to find a balance that works for you and those you communicate with.

Supporting a loved one who overexplains can be a delicate matter.

It’s important to convey understanding and belief in what they’re saying. Simple affirmations like ‘I understand what you’re saying’ or ‘I believe you’ can go a long way in helping them feel heard, which in turn can reduce their need to overexplain.

The Poke Technique is a powerful tool for enhancing our communication skills. It’s about striking the perfect balance between saying too much and saying too little. It’s about learning to trust that if people want to know more, they will ask. It’s about respecting our audience, whether in a personal or professional setting, and giving them the space to engage with us on their terms. So the next time you’re tempted to overexplain, remember: a little ‘poke’ can go a long way. With practice, you’ll find that this subtle shift in your communication style can have a profound impact on how others perceive you and how you perceive yourself.